Step 4. I RELEASE MYSELF FROM WORRY, GUILT, AND REGRET ABOUT MY PAST AND PRESENT. I AM AWARE ENOUGH NOT TO REPEAT IT. (The Promises, Co-Dependents Anonymous Big Book)
For me, this feels like inner peace!
I used to wake up every morning and feel terrible, pessimistic, worthless, inadequate, weak, rejected, abandoned, and tormented. I was full of self-deprecation and self-condemnation.
The process of doing Step 4 has uncovered so many of the lies that I was perpetuating and still actively telling myself -- lies I was still believing and punishing myself for.
By exploring every nook and cranny and crevice within myself….
By looking behind every internal door and block -- no matter how scary or ugly I thought it might be…
I have really come to know myself (as well as I can at this moment). With this knowledge and understanding, I have gone on further to accept my full self. And then, I went beyond even acceptance - to love my whole self (as fully as I can in this moment.) From this perspective, there is more room and space and grace to release judgement of myself and others.
I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THIS JOURNEY of awareness. I am grateful for this deep dive into “the good, the bad, and the ugly”… so that I can truly know myself, come back to myself, BE myself and LOVE MYSELF.
Releasing Attachment to the patterns is UNBURDENING, FREEING, and LIBERATING!
It feels lighter, airier, and more spacious like I have more wiggle room. It feels more forgiving, less constrained and constricted, less rigid.
I used to feel like I was walking through wet sand with heavy boots on. Every day was a struggle.
Now I feel like I have solid ground under my feet…. A solid foundation… With proper supportive, cushioned shoes. I feel like I am moving through air molecules that I can part and push aside much more readily.
And so now, I empower myself to act on my own behalf. I support myself and meet my own needs. I comfort myself and give myself love and compassion. I realize that I have never had this before. I am giving myself these beautiful gifts every day and I feel worthy of these gifts. I am showing up differently and I am noticing a different response from others.
I accept the things that I cannot change. I remind myself to release the people I care about (and any person I want to compulsively help or fix) into the loving hands of Higher Power. I do this with the people I love and know well, and even those I encounter and do not know well… but still want to compulsively help.
I came to a place of full surrendering of my will and my life to Higher Power. Anything (that I was aware of) that I was holding back… any door that was closed - is now open.
Anything that was hidden has been laid bare…
Exposed for observation,
Brought to light in order to be experienced and felt
Illuminated for compassionate study and understanding,
Acknowledged for accountability,
Released for forgiveness and healing.
I now understand what is my responsibility and what is not my responsibility.
I am responsible for: My words, my ideas, my behavior, my actions, my efforts, my mistakes, and
the consequences of my words, my behavior, my actions and my mistakes.
I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for: Other People’s: Words, Ideas, Actions, Beliefs, Mistakes
Or the consequences of other people’s: words, behavior, actions, ideas and mistakes.
I take responsibility and accountability for my actions without blame, judgement, or condemnation. I accept what is mine and let go of the shit that is somebody else’s.
I have come to know myself as well as I can, in this moment. I have not held back. I have accepted and loved every spec of my being - inside and out - in the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. My inner child is so wonderful! She is really happy now and is finally feeling loved and nurtured, heard and seen. I love my inner child unconditionally! I love myself unconditionally! I know this is not a “once and done” thing because love is a decision… a choice….and an action. I will have to remember to treat myself with kindness, acceptance, and non-judgement so that I don’t slip back into old patterns.
I HAVE BECOME ACQUAINTED WITH MYSELF AND LOOK FORWARD TO MORE LAYERS OF “KNOWING MYSELF” THAT WILL COME WITH THIS JOURNEY.
Going forward, when I become aware that I am experiencing the feelings and thoughts that contain patterns of codependency…
When I see them creeping back in….
I will know how to deal with them. I don’t need to be in fear.
I ALLOW my feelings because experiencing feelings is human and normal and beautiful and terrible and part of being here on earth. I will examine a feeling or thought and note its origin. I will ask myself, “What is the feeling saying?” I will examine if there is validity to it - or if it’s a lie. I will examine if it’s my stuff or somebody else’s stuff and sort that accordingly. And, of course, I will remember to mindfully connect with Higher Power throughout all of it. I know that I’m never really separated from Higher Power but I remind myself to be aware and aligned.
I stay mindful and observe with curiosity. I stay awake and aware. I stay present in the moment.
I pay attention… and in doing so, I am able to move from unconsciousness to purposeful, intentional living.
I honor and allow all feelings without judgement.
I see what wants to be seen, I hear what wants to be heard, I experience what wants to be experienced.
When I realize that I am not being present, I lovingly re-orient and re-center my focus.
After I have honored all of my feelings and thoughts, I can process them, I can then wrap my head around them, but more so, I can wrap my heart around them.
Then, I can CHOOSE to go forward a different way…
I can choose not to react out of wounding.
I can choose not to project from trauma.
I can choose to walk my path while mindfully creating my reality.
I can choose to relate to others in a fashion that allows them to have their journey and their experiences while keeping myself safe.
And that is an amazing way to live.