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CoDA Weekly Reading

The Lotus Flower Still Blossoming and Breathing

I have always wanted to submit a story to the #CoDA #community. I went to my first CoDA meeting in late July of 2016, just a few months after entering my #AA program. To this day, the #beautiful women I met at my very first meeting, are still just as near and dear to me. They are “my tribe” and my “soul sisters” in #recovery. Without their and so many others’ #humility, #courage, and #strength, I don’t know if I would still be here today. Without my #strength and #willingness to continue to be open, learn, #grow, #share (especially when I don’t want to share), and be completely honest where I am at, then I would not be here today.

I had a really hard time in my first year or so “getting” or understanding the CoDA program and how I could turn the decades of #emotional #abandonment, old tapes, real emotional #trauma from the time I was a freshman in high school due to severe bullying, and all the #fear and #shame over to my higher power. So, I was #honest, took notes in my CoDA books, reached out to #women I trusted, journaled, and kept talking. I started to find myself and trust myself more and more. Sometimes I had to fake it until I made it. All those #feelings and #experiences was growth. Learning how to trust myself was and still is growth.

When I find myself “off the beam” as my dear friend would say, I can identify that feeling and check-in with myself sooner and ask myself what I need or reach out for help. Or sometimes, I just sit with that feeling, but not pack a bag and stay there too long.

#Acceptance. That is the power of working the program and showing up and learning and growing for me. I go back to Steps 1, 2, and 3 as many times as I need to get my bearings. I share and keep coming back without #shame if I am still stuck. I believe I am where I am supposed to be and keep #learning as I go. I may have some, dare I say the word “defects” of character, but when I am checking in with myself, I can say “hello, thank you for helping me right-size that a little better.” The dis-ease (disease) – getting it out so it does not take me out. I deserve to #breathe and #love #myself! Learning this from other’s experience and shares helps me stay on a brighter path on a sometimes-muddy road. I more often find myself dancing on that muddy road than hiding. Thanks to CoDA and my #sisters and recovery #peers.

Looking back on where I was and where I am now, I can say I have #learned to love myself, trust myself and find #beauty even in the dark. This is my #journey – a #miraculous, beautiful #journey that has changed me and #blossomed me just like a lotus flower. When I don’t know what to do, I just breathe and #pray, because I know I am not alone and it will be ok. Keep coming back. You are #loved and WE are worth it.

H.O.P.E. – #Hold #On #Pain #Ends. This is one of my favorite lines. It is true! We are all #miracles every time we show up. It is a true miracle to watch others #transform and grow in their program. It is special to be able to pass my #experience, strength and hope to another. That’s all I have to do. It helps me and others. The 12 #Promises are real.

They’ve happened for me. I am working them because I’m worth it!

Becky F. 9/21/2022

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